How your mind makes your life miserable after a break up

1. You blame yourself for the break up
2. Feel that you are not good enough
3. Wonder what you could have done differently
4. Think that the person who broke your heart, is the only one for you
5. Compare yourself to your ex’s new partner
6. Think there is no purpose in living
7. Not dealing with your emotions
8. Keeping hope alive that you will get back together

How your daily activities make your life miserable after a break up

9. Mope around in pajamas for days
10. Jumping into a relationship with someone too soon (rebound dating)
11. Keeping tabs on your ex
12. Turning Into a party animal
13. Plotting revenge on your ex
14. Drowning your sorrows in alcohol
15. Keep contact with your ex
16. Waiting by the phone hoping your ex will call
17. Holding on to things that remind your of your ex
18. Listing to depressing break up songs
19. Desperately pleading with your ex, to take you back
20. Joining sites like BeNaughty.com and trying to find dates.
21. Ignoring your friends and family who want to help you, get through this break up period
22. Neglecting your current responsibly in the face of being dumped (kids, work etc)

If you recently went through a break up or is going through a agonizing break up, I’m sure you’ll have plenty to add to this list.
How have you made your life more miserable? Anything more you would like to add from your experience? Leave a comment below, I would love to hear from you.

For a long time I was wondering what my first post for this New Year should convey. I didn’t want to write about what most people talk of; goals and resolutions. As we begin another yet another year I am trying to get my life back on track after being dumped.

I feel like a shattered house after a hurricane; everything tangible is lost, debris everywhere and only the memories remain. The rest of the world doesn’t seem to understand the devastation and destruction these things have taken on your heart and, in some cases, your mind. When you feel like this, it’s near impossible to visualize about a nice house, you might one day have again.
That analogy sums up my life after break up. I mentioned in my previous post that I don’t really have much hope finding love again or whether I want to go through that pain all over again.

Building Walls Of Hope – Of Love And Relationships

When you lose hope of love, your world becomes darker. You lose the passion to keep moving forward in life. You give up on your dream which you hard earlier (when you were in a relationship). Gradually, it leads to the death of your soul. That could be you (that is me…!)

So, badly and desperately I need hope, hope of love. So with all my heart, I am trying to re-build the walls of hope and I tell myself,

One day you will see that it has all finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself… “How did I get through all of that?”

I hope that “one day”, is soon!

If you are also going through a similar stage in your life, I hope this post gave you some inspiration or motivation, to take one day at a time and build the walls of hope; hope of love and relationship that is yet to come. Over time these pieces of hope, will provide the foundation necessary to scale the wall of lost hope.

What would you do, if one of these people asked you for a second chance? Showed remorse for what happened previously; pleaded with you, and told you how much he/she has changed… for the better? How hard would it be to give that second chance?

“Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me”

Famous sayings such as the above don’t make it any easier!

This person hurt you once; you felt let down.

• How can you be sure that it won’t happen again?

• Has this person really changed?

• Could you see yourself ever trusting him/her?

• Caring about him/her freely again after what he/she did?

• Would you want to risk it ALL again?

Have you ever been in caught up in such torment?

On giving someone who broke your heart a second chance: My two cents

People fight; get confused about what they want. They breakup and get back together; It happens. What matters is should it happen to you.

You have to be able to realize what went wrong the last time and not let emotions cloud your judgment.

Make sure that the other person is sincere in efforts to get back together and for wanting a second chance. If this is not the case, you could find the one who cares enough to not hurt you that much. Just be honest with yourself about if he/she is worth the risk again. If not, you’re setting yourself up for another breakup.

May be your partner is not able to express the exact reasons for the break up. Maybe he does not know why the relationship can’t continue Or perhaps he simply doesn’t want to talk about it.. Whatever it is you know you won’t get the real answers from your ex.

This can make you lose all motivation to do anything but dwell on what went wrong. The plaguing questions of how and why it all went downhill, keeps you up at night. You are waiting for answers that never seem to come, and in the process waste wasting precious time trying to get that closure from an ex who just wasn’t willing to give it.

Thousands of “if’s,” “possibly’s” and “maybes”

Why Did I Get Dumped

Maybe she would change her mind if I explain more?

Did he hear something that was not true?

For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, It might have been. ~John Greenleaf Whittier

STOP… don’t over-analyze things
Yes, I know it’s hard, but constantly replaying conversations and trying to re-evaluate the “evidence” on why you were dumped will make you feel even worse.

Many break ups don’t have a specific cause so don’t obsess about what went wrong . This isn’t to say you shouldn’t reflect on what you could have done differently in the relationship (but it’s not helpful to dwell on the whys and wherefores). Instead, focus on what went right . Even if you won’t have those good old times with that particular person, eventually your heart will heal and you’ll find new great moment with someone new.

Your partner has made the decision to end the relationship. He or she didn’t decide against you, it’s just that they simply decided to move on without you. They will never tell you the real reason why they left. Perhaps, His or her reason may have nothing to do with you!

YOU as a person, with intelligence, must turn the page. Getting stuck in that feeling of not letting go just makes therapists rich!
Life offers humps and bumps along the road. We trip and fall, over and over again. The trick is to be good at picking yourself up and dusting off the old dirt.

Breakup song 1. Take a Bow

by Leona Lewis

‘Cause you’ve taken everything else
You played the part, like a star you played it so well
Take a bow ’cause the scene is coming to an end
I gave you love, all you gave me was pretense, so now take a bow

Breakup song 2. Since U Been Gone

by Kelly Clarkson

You had your chance, you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth, I just can’t take it
Again and again and again and again
But since you been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I’m so moving on, yeah, yeah
Thanks to you, now I get, I get what I want
Since you been gone

Breakup song 3. Before He Cheats

by Carrie Underwood

Dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,
Carved my name into his leather seats.
I took a louisville slugger to both head lights,
Slashed a hole in all 4 tires.
Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats.

Breakup song 4. Gone Forever

by Three Days Grace

First time you screamed at me
I should have made you leave
I should have known it could be so much better
I hope you’re missing me
I hope I’ve made you see
That I’m gone forever

Breakup song 5. We Belong

by Pat Benatar

Many times I’ve tried to tell you
Many times I’ve cried alone
Always I’m surprised how well you
Cut my feelings to the bone

Breakup song 6. Ex-girlfriend

by No Doubt

I kind of always knew I’d end up your ex-girlfriend
I hope I hold a special place with the rest of them
and you know it makes me sick to be on that list
but I should have thought of that before we kissed…

Breakup song 7. Me, myself and I

by Beyonce

Me, myself and I
That’s all I got in the end
That’s what I found out
and it ain’t no need to cry
I took a vow that from now on
I’m going to be my own best friend

I got me, myself and I
I know that I will never disappoint myself
my eyes have cried a thousand times
all the ladies if you feel me help me sing it out
I can’t regret time spent with you
Yeah you hurt me but I learned a lot along the way
It’s how I learned to make it through
After all the rain you see the sun come out again

Did I miss any of your favorite depressed breakup songs? Leave a comment and let me know.

I also had to listen through well meant (irritating nevertheless!) break up advice, from various individuals. The best advice I got was from my mum who told me repeatedly, “Don’t cry over someone who won’t cry over you”.

Yes, it was painful to hear this harsh truth. But hearing it, day in day out, really did sink in, gradually… It made me wonder…, How can he treat me like this?

Don’t Cry Over Someone Who Won’t Cry Over You

We all have a limited time on this planet earth, and when being dumped, that’s not something that comes to our radar. Why waste even ONE of those moments sitting home and crying about someone who doesn’t DESERVE you?

Many months have gone by since the day I was dumped and each day I feel a little better. But it’s the little things that keep bringing me back, tugging at the strings and reminding me… causing the pain. That’s when I use the affirmation, Don’t cry over someone who won’t cry over you.

It is honestly what’s helping me get over my ex. He doesn’t deserve my time. The people that TRULY love me are the ones who get my time. Think about those people who ARE THERE for you. If it’s meant to be it will be, but in the mean time, live your life with no regrets and spend it with people who matter.

When we find the one that turns our tears of sadness into tears of happiness, we will smile and be happy. Until then, its lessons learned, some pages burned and “Don’t cry over someone who won’t cry over you” ! You and I will get through it, in the end.

Getting Over You Getting Over Me

He’s the first thing I think about every day….. How is he? Does he miss me, like I miss him? How do I get him back? … And another day without him begins.

There’s no denying it; Getting over a break up can be one of the most difficult, heart-wrenching things you’ll ever have to do. You can cry, eat a pound of ice cream and write angry letters to your ex in your online journal, but eventually you have to face reality.

Getting Over You: My Story

Once upon a time (about one year ago) the guy I was madly in love with ended our relationship. (I prefer to say that instead of “he dumped me, abruptly”!) There wasn’t a lot of warning signs on my end. He’d been a bit aloof in the weeks prior, but he brushed it off as “too much work”. I was led to believe that it was work-related stress and accepted that with blind faith.

The few months that followed were miserable. We continued to talk. I was convinced the break up was a big mistake and that he will eventually come to his senses and we will get back together. I was completely absorbed with “what did I do wrong?” “What did I miss?” He had been an amazing boyfriend, that it was very hard for me to consider anything he had done wrong (except dumping me of course!).

Getting Over Me: The Bitter Side

We continued to be “just friends”. A couple months after we broke up, I still went to certain gatherings with him, celebrated his birthday with him, I gave him thoughtful Christmas gifts… etc. I was miserable, but he dangled hope in front of me!

Then in January, I found out that he started seeing someone else. Later, I heard that he had spent Christmas with her family. That’s when I went from miserable to totally devastate.

Getting Over You, Getting Over Me: Lessons learned

Perhaps, that was the whack on the head I needed to move on; let go. That was the moment I realized, there was no point hoping of a future with him. I felt really stupid & ashamed for the way I was pining after him.

1. One of the things that keep most people from moving on (& getting over a break up!) is, holding on to false hope. Some are stuck in limbo with the idea that there might be a chance of getting back together with their ex’s.

2. If you were the one that was being dumped (aka, your partner who called things off! ), often the onus of reuniting lies on them. If you go chasing after someone who is not willing to take you back, not only will you aggravate your relationship with them, you will also damage your self esteem.

3. Being “Just Friends” doesn’t always work. Ok so you tell this person you just want to be friends now. That is probably not a good idea. You will have to deal with hearing about them moving on and seeing other people, which leads to my next point!

4.Jealousy is self destructive. Seeing the one you were with, in the arms of someone else.. gosh it’s damn annoying and frustrating! Jealousy often leads you to do very stupid things, which you might regret later!

Finally, the most important one… getting over a broken heart is a long-term process. You will need to work through your feelings, reach out to others, and focus on yourself. Give yourself permission to experience your feelings as they occur.

Keep Busy After A Break up

I have been in similar situations myself and I KNOW how hard it is to keep busy after a break up. It’s true that you have to deal with the sadness and not deny it or push it aside. However, that doesn’t mean you can or should let yourself wallow in it. I realized that if my mind was not occupied (with things that didn’t include my ex!), it got busy pulling me further down the depths of despair!

Given below are a few things I tried to keep myself busy with, after my recent break up. Hope you will benefit from them too.

Entertainment activities to keep you busy after a break up

1. Host a movie marathon. Don’t forget popcorn!
2. Watch a whole TV series on DVD
3. Play Nintendo wii, Xbox Live or some kind of online game.
4. Crank up some music and dance!
5. Find silly videos on Youtube
6. Sing karaoke (sing even if you can’t!)

Physical activities to keep you busy after a break up

6.Paint a room in your house. Or do a painting of a room in your house.
7. Go for run in the park
8.Clean out the garage, the attic or the basemen etc and have a garage sale (you’ll free up space and make a bit of cash while you’re at it!)
9.Organize your closet
10.Go to the gym for a workout
11.Swim
12.Enroll for a social dancing class. Jive, waltz, Salsa
13. Plant flowers. If you don’t have anywhere to plant them outdoors, plant them in a pot indoors instead.
14.Go to your nearest hiking trail and go for a hike
15.Clean the trash out of the car, wipe down that dusty dashboard. Wash the car!

Creative activities to keep you busy after a break up

16.Create a comic book (where your Ex can have any face you want!)
17.Find a new project/hobby (I started blogging! Ha ha) Cook, bake – find some new recipes and try them out
18.Redecorate your bedroom
19.Learn to play a musical instrument (self learn the guitar, piano etc)

Self improvement activities to keep you busy after a break up

20.Learn a new language
21.Enroll in a class that might further your career
22.Read good book on what men want from women (no… not that!)!
23.Read one of the best books on getting over a breakup Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You

General activities to keep you busy after a break up

24.Catalog your books/DVDs etc (I came across a blog post How To De-Junk A DVD Collection. It was very useful)
25.Organize your iTunes library, create some new playlists
26.Join an online forum and contribute
27.Call a friend and catch up
28.Get an extra job
29.Volunteer for cause you believe in (this really helped me feel good about myself)
30.Take a bubble bath
31.Plan a party (warning: don’t invite your ex)
32.Go to a beauty salon and get a makeover
33.Make a to-do list for the rest of the week.
34.Babysit for a friend (toddlers have a funny way of erasing your troubles, even if it’s for a while)
35.Get rid of 5 things you never wear to make room for your next shopping trip.
36.File away any loose papers and pay bills.
37.Do a crossword, sudoku, riddles or trivia to make yourself even smarter.
38.Chat. Use a chat program to chat randomly with strangers.

How about you? How have you kept yourself busy after your breakup? Any ideas you can add to this list, and share with others?

Getting Back With Your Ex

“Please don’t do this to me”

Ending a relationship that was once something wonderful between the two of you, is emotional destabilizing. It’s bad enough that you had to pile up the courage and initiate the break up. Hearing these words now, may spark that guilty feeling again.

“I can’t live without you”

I am a bit embarrassed to say that I said this myself to my ex several years ago! He insisted that we end the relationship but I was holding on to something I never had ( Of course, I didn’t have that sense and sensibility to realize that at that time!) I couldn’t imagine a life without him. I was convinced that I couldn’t live without him.

Here I am, several years later… still breathing!

I am living proof that your ex can live without you. It’s not pleasant, it’s not fun, but it’s also not fatal. The pain will never go away completely, but with time it will subside.

“I love you so much. Why can’t you see that?”

With this sentence the emotional tug of war begins. In most cases, you don’t break up because you are so in love with each other. You break up because one or both parties are unhappy.

“I’ll do anything.”

R i g h t! Now this one though, is surely unbelievable. How can someone do anything? Your ex should have done “anything” when the two of you were together, not NOW.

“I have changed”

Real change manifests itself with actions. If your ex has to use words to say this, then obviously it has not reflected in action.

“You ‘re making a big mistake”

Don’t let these words tempt you into getting back together. As time goes by you might forget exactly how bad it was.
My question to you is

Can you really believe that the one who hurt you most, won’t hurt you again?

If for some valid reason, you are getting back with your ex, make sure that it’s thoroughly thought through, and NOT a hasty decision. You don’t want to go through the same break up process with the same person again, now do you?

Regret After A Break Up

My “feel good” reply, “I am the queen of looking back and saying, “Gosh, I don’t know if that was the right thing to do.” I have so many regrets that they could fill the Grand Canyon!”

Then there’s always the harsh truth….
You may retrace everything you said,
Everything you did while you were in the relationship.
You may blame yourself for small things that happened, thinking that’s why the break up happened.

Irrespective of the reasons for breaking up a relationship or who initiated the breaking up, sometimes we all get caught up in the web of regret. Honestly, I think it’s natural to have feelings of regret after a break up (to a certain extent!); the challenging part is what you do with that regret!

Why Do You Regret Breaking Up?

Some break ups are thought out and occur over time; others are not. Whether a break up is based on a rash, unanticipated act or something that you have planned to do there are usually substantial and significant reasons for the act of breaking up to occur.

If you are the one that initiated the break up, assess your reasons. Did your ex cheat on you? Did they live a destructive lifestyle? Were they unwilling to work together for the good of the relationship? If so, the chances of your relationship thriving, would have been very slim.
If you cannot come to terms with your reasons, you are likely to always question your decision for breaking up.

Getting Past The Feelings Of Regret After A Break Up

In my life, yes, there have been a few occasions where I regretted my actions that caused the break up. I always told myself that the break up was for the best, but wondered how life would be different now, if I had stayed with another person.
We can all look back on things in our past with rose colored sunglasses. The bottom line is, there was a reason(s) why the two of you broke up.

There was a reason why your relationship did not work….
There was a reason why you made no contact

You need to move forwards with your life and leave the past in the past. The person you split with is not going to change; they are still in time going to be the same person that you broke with because you no longer wanted to be with them.

Over to you… have you experienced feelings of regret after a break up? In your opinion, what’s the best way to deal with it?